ZNN Headbang News

From: john%3jane.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (John B. Lockhart)
Date: Tue, 17 Dec 91 1:30:46 EST

Station ID:

Around the world in thirty minutes, this is ZNN Headbang News.
And I tried dialing overseas, but I couldn't remember who I was dialing, so I got Fiji. Then I called up the operator and told her I couldn't remember Uncle Nakamura's phone number. She said ``Use TnT, nimrod!''

So I switched back. Wow, I really missed TnT.

TnT: We treat you like you have no brains whatsoever.
That's what you pay us for.

Station ID:
Anytime, all the time, just turn to us and you'll hear nothing but news. This is ZNN Headbang News. Got that? Write it down. (Oh, by the way, from Turn Her Broad Casting Sisters.)
``Important events happening oversees--but first, is your pet psychic? ...''

Voiceover: ``Tired of those morning shows? Turn to ZNN Headbang News. Anytime, all the time.''

Station ID:
This is ZNN Headbang News.
Commercial: The variety, and scope of the comics page. The immediacy, and versatility of 98 Rock. The drama, and emotion of The Simpsons. The power and impact of ZNN Headbang News. Station ID:
From Turn Her Broad Casting Sisters, this is ZNN Headbang News.
Fade to black.

Fade to picture of mushroom cloud; stock prices ticking along underneath.

The world comes to an end,
Fade to picture of flaming dollar bill.
the Dow drops into the complex plane,
Fade to picture of jubilant Tampa citizens.
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are going to the Super Bowl,
Fade to picture of Cumberland Mall [in Marietta], courtesy the ZNN/ Marietta Roving Camera Team.
and Holiday shopping madness, this is ZNN Headbang news, I'm Chucked Robbers.

In the news today, Communists, fleeing North Korea due to the recent peace talks there, joining up with hard-liner relics from the Soviet Disunion and Neo-Nazis from newly reunited Germany all rendezvoused in South Africa, where they ousted the white power-base and set up shop. The group's coup was flawless; being massively outnumbered by people who only stop fighting each other to be enslaved is their specialty. Nuclear research scientists are missing throughout the world, and the President is in serious talks with the Joint Chiefs at this time. Diamond prices have risen hundred-fold. The Libyans, Egyptians, Saudis, Iraquis, and Iranians have set aside their respective differences to setup massive border patrols to shoot the incoming flood of refugees from southern African nations. The Israelis are daring anyone to remotely consider thinking about contemplating the thought of asking them for assistance due to the fact that they fear that this will give credit to the Palestinian cause. Meanwhile, the Palestinians have taken this opportunity to join forces with the Irish Republican Army (which many analysts had been predicting for years) and march on Jerusalem in return for their assitance in the plunder of the British Empire in late February. The French, being pissed off at everyone, as usual, have declared nuclear war on Jordan and Yugoslavia for the bloody hell of it; the entirety of slavic nations are currently marching towards western Europe in an uproar. Paris, Rome, London, Bern, Tangiers, Peking, Cairo, and Moscow are flaming. There are unconfirmed reports that the Canadians are blaming the United States for this global crisis, and are acting as hosts for a global cooperative invasion to set them straight once and for all. Japan, of course, is uninvolved.

Other theories for the start of the crisis are numerous and to be disregarded; one Washington resident was quoted as saying: ``Well, lemme put it this way: See that pizza shop over there? Yeah, well, see that guy sitting in the booth looking bored? Ok. That's the delivery guy. When a pizza delivery guy in Washington is looking bored, there ain't no cause for alarm. Just you wait 'til the Conventions, man, and then you'll see what cause for alarm is all about.''

Converted to HTML by Dan Bornstein.