A while ago, a friend challenged me to write a script for my own fishing show. While Babe Winkelman probably wouldn't enjoy the result, some readers of this group might.

(Cut to shot of Tim, every inch of clothing covered with patches and decals. His smart Wal-mart baseball cap complements his neon-and-camoflauge Redman vest. The Ford logo on his truck has been underlined 3 times with black magic marker, just to make the point, while the Delco battery in his boat is, for some reason, sitting in plain sight atop the live well.)

VOICE-OVER: We're here in beautiful Ames, Iowa today in quest of the lurking denizens of Lake Laverne. This is untapped, unexplored country so we'll be trying a variety of techniques for different species.

Tim (while cutting his 150 horse outboard after the .3 second run to the middle of the lake): Waal, I always like to check for active fish first, so I'll start by buzzing a small child over the surface. (Shot of a cute toddler wearing a life perserver, and a harness with a large hook, at Tim's feet.) It's an overcast day, the water is fairly shallow and just this morning I saw our truck dump a few thousand full grown pihrana.

(Audio link is suddenly cut, and we see a hand waving frantically in front of the camera.)

Tim: Umm, err, just a joke really. Ignore it. The real reason I'm confident we'll see fish is that I'll be using this new fish attractant-24K. It's made with real 24 caret gold and ground up presidents of tackle manufacturing companies, for that extra fish attracting scent. At at only $24,000 per bottle, its both aptly named and a real value.

(Tim produces a large bottle and sprays a disgustingly slimy substance with an oddly attractive glitter all over the kid. As the odor spreads over the water, the camera wavers momentarily, and we hear several splashes as cameramen dive for cover. Subdued screams and gurgles sound from behind the camera, and a red stain slowly drifts towards Tim's boat as he continues to work on his tackle. He ties a large snap swivel to the line of a heavy baitcasting rig, and snaps it to the kid's harness.)

Tim (heaving the child into the lake): I always use a snap swivel when fishing with large live baits, as they tend to twist the line. Clever bait can sometimes even unhook the snap, so take precautions. (Cut to shot of child flying through the air, frantically trying to to remove the mittens epoxied to his hands.)

(Camera pans back, and we see the splash as the child hits. Pihrana immediately begin floating to the surface, stunned by the noxious goop that is washing from the child. Bored child then begins to throttle a swan.)

Tim: Whooo boy, looks like we're eating good tonight. I'd like to thank all the sponsers of today's show, especially the makers of 24K Fish Attractant. Tune in next week, when I'll be trolling live dairy cattle in the Skunk River for trophy marlin.